Îmbătrânirea, între firesc și privilegiu

Acum nu foarte mult timp citeam un articol despre îmbătrânire, unde erau prezentate două tipuri mari de atitudine feminină asupra procesului de îmbătrânire: modelul Halle Berry, unde efortul era canalizat spre păstrarea tinereții, și modelul Monica Bellucci, unde îmbătrânirea era primită cu naturalețe și detașare, ca parte a vieții. Am rămas întrebându-mă unde anume mă găsesc ca atitudine privind îmbătrânirea, ca să descopăr un subiect deloc, dar deloc simplu.

Îmbătrânirea e oricum un subiect complicat în societatea prezentului, dominată de vizual și presiunea unor așteptări sociale nerealiste. Între presiunea gândului că nu ai făcut destule până la vârsta ta și continua analiză a ce poți face mai bine, ce poți îmbunătăți la tine, nu mai rămâne atât de mult spațiu pentru întrebarea Eu cum mi-aș dori să îmbătrânesc? pe cât am avea nevoie. Iar când, pe lângă a fi femeie, ești și o pacientă diagnosticată cu o boală rară, nuanțele se multiplică în mod considerabil.

Înțelegi că atitudinea ta față de îmbătrânire o să fie una altfel. Una specifică, pliată pe nevoile tale, și pe întâmpinarea scenariilor nu-atât-de-roz care pot apărea cu anii. Pentru că o boală rară înseamnă, în primul rând, complicații posibile. Iar când te gândești la îmbătrânire, te gândești inițial la ele: o să apară? care va fi gradul de afectare?

Poate vor apărea toate, poate doar câteva, poate nici una. Poate vor avea intensități scăzute, poate vor avea intensități medii, sau poate îți vor influența considerabil calitatea vieții. Poate vor apărea terapii mai eficiente pentru afecțiunea pe care o ai, poate chiar șanse de vindecare, până la momentul în care complicațiile vor începe să apară. Îmbătrânirea devine o cutie a Pandorei mult diferită de îmbătrânirea clasică, a unei persoane clinic în regulă.

Așa am realizat și că simplul fapt că am ajuns într-o poziție și un moment al vieții care să-mi permită să îmi pun întrebări legate de cum voi îmbătrâni e un privilegiu. Sau, mai concret, e suma unui întreg șir de privilegii: privilegiul de a avea o familie care să lupte pentru drepturile mele, privilegiul de a avea acces la o bună îngrijire medicală, lucru vital în special în perioada copilăriei, privilegiul de a avea acces la educație de masă și un parcurs academic pe care să-l aleg eu. Chiar și faptul că nu mă văd îmbătrânind în România e un privilegiu.

Dar poate cel mai important privilegiu pe care-l am e să vin dintr-o familie în care îmbătrânirea nu-i o tragedie generatoare de angoase. Femeile din familia mea nu se sperie de riduri, fire albe, sau de faptul că nu mai au aceeași condiție fizică pe care o aveau acum câteva zeci de ani. Dacă le sperie ceva, nu le sperie îmbătrânirea, ci conștientizarea faptului că momentul în care noi vom rămâne fără ele se apropie. Dar asta ține de resorturi mult mai profunde decât îmbătrânirea.

Nu mă sperie îmbătrânirea nici pe mine. Pragmatic, știu că voi pleca din țară undeva unde există medici specializați în genul acesta de afecțiuni nu din lașitate, ci din luciditate. Sunt conștientă că, dacă vor apărea complicații pe măsură ce îmbătrânesc, o să am nevoie de medici cărora să nu trebuiască să le țin eu seminar introductiv despre afecțiunea pe care o am. Și da, avem medici excepționali în România.Majoritatea trecuți de 45 de ani. Ca pacientă pe lângă care s-au perindat generații de rezidenți, faptul că, de-a lungul perioadei adulte n-am recunoscut nici măcar doi dintre medicii rezidenți de când eram copil în spitalele din țară nu-i ceva încurajator.

La fel de pragmatic, însă, încerc să găsesc o formulă de aface lucrurile astfel încât, peste alți 25 de ani, să pot lua orașele la pas după clădiri, să pot alerga după autobuz sau pisici, să mă pot bucura în continuare de lucrurile care mă fac fericită. Știu că nu voi îmbătrâni neapărat lin, dar tentația căutării unei pante mai line spre degradarea biologică rămâne la fel de vie ca limitele corpului meu. Asta înseamnă să privesc, atunci când planific deciziile majore, la cum pot influența ele echilibrul dintr-un viitor îndepărtat, fizic, psihic și spiritual. Să iau decizii incomode, dar necesare, să mă gândesc mai des la ce trebuie făcut, și mai rar la ce aș vrea să fac.

Pentru că, atunci când trăiești cu o boală rară, nu te gândești, nici tu, nici cei din jur, la îmbătrânire. Te uiți la prezent și la ce ai de făcut azi ca să eviți posibile complicații sau căderi. Viitorul e undeva departe, și nu te prea privește. Important e controlul pagubelor și evoluției de acum, iar îmbătrânirea e doar o epifanie cât un fulger pe cer de ziua ta. Partea bună este, însă, că nici cei clinic sănătoși nu știu cum anume vor îmbătrâni sau ce vor dezvolta pe parcursul vieții. Nu e o competiție, nu e vorba despre cine îmbătrânește mai frumos sau nu. N-a fost niciodată. E vorba doar despre un proces natural, universal, dar a cărui gestionare depinde exclusiv de resorturi individuale, profunde, intime și subiective. Iar asta n-o să se schimbe curând pentru nici unii dintre noi.

3 helpful books for communicating with and understanding children

I will start this article by saying that I’m not a mother yet, even if I love children and get along with them just fine. Even so, my childhood is not that far away so that I wouldn’t be able to tell what I wished my parents did differently, and my time as a volunteer in a pediatric hospital only confirmed my insights.

This is why I thought that I could share with you, young parents, young educators, or simply people that want to get closer to children easily some books that helped me understand better what they need from the grown-ups.

How to Talk So Kids Can Learn: At Home and in School- Adele Faber, Elain Mazlish

It is, as the title itself announces, a book about communication. Written by two professionals in the education field, it brings to the public a collection of insights and alternatives backed up by experience and science. It is also a friendly book, written in an accessible way, focusing on delivering alternatives to our most common communication issues, not on bragging about academic know-how.

This book read during my first year of college, brought a lot of light and valuable insights to me when it came to communication. It made me see more clearly what hurt me, and why it hurt when the meaningful adults of my childhood spoke to me in some ways. Even more important, it helped me see which are the alternatives that will provide the same efficiency, without the emotional harm.

It has also a whole chapter about a very important and always hot topic, the relationship between parents and teachers, and how should every side act to establish a good, effective long-term partnership.

This beautiful and useful reading can be found on Amazon or, for the Romanian translated version, here.

Experience Human Development- Diane E. Papalia, Gabriela Martorell

My second recommendation is an iconic book. Written by two researchers, it tells the tale of human evolution during a lifetime, from the moment when two partners choose to have a baby, until the last days of the old age. Every period is presented in an objective, accurate manner, considering the struggles and the blessings we encounter during our journey.

It is a scientific, multi-disciplinary book, with a lot of references that can be looked for in-depth, or just acknowledged as they are, a reading that would enlighten and answer a lot of questions not only about childhood, but also about ourselves, or our loved, older ones.

The book can be found on Amazon or, for the Romanian version, here.

A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development- John Bowlby

Least, but not last on my list of personal favorites, John Bowlby’s book is a must-read for anyone who wants to gain a better understanding of how our attachment patterns are born. The book provides valuable insights, helping the parents to become more aware of their own attachment issues and style, as well as showing them what should be paying attention to, in order to grow up a well-balanced adult. It is, in my opinion, a very good book, helpful regardless of your position: you can be a parent, an educator, maybe a parent-to-be or just someone willing to understand the attachment better.

It can be found either on Amazon or here, for the Romanian translation.

I can’t really stress out enough how much it counts for the benefit of the children to have well-informed parents. Parents that are curious, that are aware that they are finding themselves at the beginning of a long, important journey, and about the importance of learning. Because, at the end of the day, the parents are the ones that learn the most about themselves, about the relationship with their children, about how to build a right relationship between the child and the society. And for that, they need to have access to the best resources, as growing up balanced children, soon to be adults, has never been a child’s play, to begin with.

The S between us

Even if normally I tend to write differently, this week’s article will be centered more on the story, as it feels so important to be shared, to gain a better understanding.

Not that long ago, a guy asked me if depression ever cures. I told him that, no, it doesn’t. Not in the same way a cold would. But there are remission periods that, in a best-case scenario supported by the right amounts of psychotherapy and medication, last for years. He told me that he asked me that particular question because he has met a woman. And she is depressed. Diagnosed by a professional, not by Dr. Google.

I’ve asked him what’s the thing about it, and he told me that he has second thoughts about dating her, now that he’s aware of the fact that depression is a lifetime-lasting condition. He told me that it sucks, but it didn’t really hit me until he said to me I won’t have a relationship with her based on my empathy for her condition, I want someone normal by my side.

And then, it hit me. It wasn’t about that woman, she surely is a wonderful person. It was about him, and the way he’s seeing the world. About the chameleon always around us called stigma.

To keep the definition short, any label that favors discrimination is a stigma. There’s stigma everywhere: attached by your professional status, relationship status, financial status, and, of course, medical status.

More often then not, we tend to overlook the stigma and its presence in our lives. I have this tendency myself. But, at that moment, I thought She is, probably, awesome. A real, imperfect, yet strong and inspiring woman. She certainly didn’t have it easy. But every single good thing about her will be undermined by the fact that she is not normal. And that’s a shameful thing, indeed.

Of course, there is a man’s right to choose his significant other as he feels. But rejecting someone based on diagnosis will never be an actual choice. It is, usually, a proof of lacking empathy. Labeling someone before you even get to have a coffee with that person, to actually know it, is stigma. A harmful behavior, as it often brings up feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. And even if we know that we hate feeling like that ourselves, truth is that things are even worse if you face a chronic illness.

As a chronic illness person, you constantly tend to try and see yourself through other people’s eyes. To understand what could make them stay around you despite your illness. It could be your charisma, your sense of style, your intelligence, determination, the fact that they feel safe and empowered around you… a lot of things, basically, that don’t depend on a diagnosis or the lack of it.

But what about those facing a mental condition? For them, every new day brings a new battle. Their illness affects their mood, determination, their personality as well in some cases. They tend to be unstable, not because they want to, but because that’s part of their illness. Even so, some of them are wonderful people. Caring, genuinely interested in other people, open to be known better, to know you better. Some of them are artists or volunteering for NGOs, trying to offer to other people the support they needed at some point in their lives. Some tend to focus on more practical stuff. They all are worth knowing better. Being seen as they are, respected, helped, cared for, loved. Just like any other human being.

Yet, some of them never get to experience this part of their lives, because of the judgmental people that use their diagnosis as a sentence. As an excuse for giving up in the very beginning. And if for some people facing another kind of medical issue this can be more bearable, for them is not. A person facing a mental health issue will meet rejection frequently, in every aspect of her life, but the thing is how that person is rejected.

Being rejected for not being the right person for the one you’re into, or for that one job you would’ve wanted so bad to get, is one thing, and it happens to all of us. But being rejected with the underlying message that it’s not you, it’s that thing… That’s hard to bear, as it cancels everything good about yourself. It tells you that nothing could make up for that. Where that isn’t something that you could, as an individual, be blamed for.

 If there’s something that could only be accomplished with constant education and documentation, that’s more likely a better understanding of how mental health issues are functioning like. Because they’re not just a phase. Won’t just pass either. They’re affecting that person’s brain, balance, and lifestyle. And no one wants to have that kind of life, where you’re constantly between highs and lows, without any grey area to breathe in.

Stigma is fueled by stereotypes and misunderstandings that became popular. That’s why reading and asking about sensitive topics, like mental health illnesses, is the only way of getting rid of it. And if you’re feeling ashamed to ask a professional, you can always ask a person that you know suffering from depression, or any other chronic condition. They will answer all of your concerns and misunderstanding, even sharing documentation resources with you.

Because, at the end of the day, there are a few things that will remain unchanged. Like the fact that the easy way won’t be fulfilling, and the fulfilling way won’t be easy. Also, it is worth questioning our beliefs every now and then, especially when they can have an impact over the vulnerable categories, like the disabled, the mental illness patients, the poor people, the sexual minorities, and see what harm could bring them our attachment to our toxic, outdated beliefs. Keep always in mind that ignorance is like a walnut’s shadow: nothing ever grows underneath. Especially not meaningful relationships with other people. So the next time when you tend to avoid someone because of a stigmatizing label, sit a little and ask yourself is it really worth it, a reason good enough for me not getting to know this person? and you’ll have a surprise. More often than not, the answer is no.