dor. sinonimul domesticit al durerii. cândva animal tăcut ce vâna fiecare rază de liniște prin ierburi înalte, târâș. azi n-a mai rămas nici măcar una.
privesc stropii ploii căzând, stele cărora li s-a furat strălucirea. inerție. mă uit în depărtări, ecoul dinăuntru-mi nu lasă loc de uitare nesupusă m-aplec spre geometriile unui corp ce doarme și când e treaz, așteaptă ceva ce n-are de unde să-i mai fie pielea, tampon de cunoscut, de absorbit lumea, moale și caldă ascultă scotocind după nuanțe. nesupunere e să știi care scândură din podea scârțâie, cum s-apeși clanțele. te poți furișa de oricine, către oriunde, dar interiorul va sta mereu cu tine.
tu știi, și eu știu. sunt om, dar nimic din ce-i neomenesc nu e străin de mine. modelează tot ce nu pot deschide lumii în cuvinte. ornamente lăsate-n mers, în gesturi, în mișcări și pupile. tot ce-i neomenesc în mine îndepărtează și-atrage, alintă și sperie în flăcările ritmice, de lumânare, văd destine, arhivă-labirint de nuanțe
într-o zi, oceanul tău de secrete va-ntâlni focul cel veșnic al pasiunii mele, nu te teme. la vremea aia vei ști că pe stradă-s o pisică sălbatică, dar care iubește jocurile, care mușcă, zgârie, se tăvălește pe suprafața lumii, devorându-i necunoscutele, nepământeană, în mâinile tale vreau să-mi abandonez sacadat toate sclipirile,
azi nimic din ce-i neomenesc, nimic din întunericul din mine nu mai sperie. vino. hai să simți toate nuanțele pe care le poartă întunericul când se joacă de-a baba oarba prin lume. viața începe dincolo de lumină și de bine, dincolo de apus. o să-ți arăt tot ce n-ai văzut și o să-ți spun fără cuvinte tot ce nu s-a spus. adevărul trăiește mult prea rar printre cuvinte, iar geometria corpului, sacră, mișcată, rareori minte. tu vino. stai jos, deschide bine ochii și lasă-mi degerele să se joace, să-ți descânte, să te alinte. doar privește, atinge-mă, gustă și simte
If you’re reading this, just know that I’m sorry. I am sorry for having you put in front of such a radical decision. I’m sorry that the world hurt you so bad that it made you believe that there’s no other way. And I hope you’ll read this letter till its very end.
Life is a terrible adventure, indeed. It is such a terrible thing that, at the end of it, we’re all dead already, but living it is no chore. Being alive means a lot more than you’d possibly see right now. It means regular chances to discover new things, little things that could bring you joy. They call them days. It means that you can still hug your loved ones, and send a good thought to those which are no longer among us. It means that you can still do something to end the hurting. Something other than death.
I know it feels like a never-ending spiral, but the truth is it ain’t. The pain won’t last forever. Bad days won’t last forever. No matter how many of them you’ve had till now, keep in mind that they’re temporary. Remember the fact that blooming is always painful to the bud, but the flower is always beautiful. So beautiful, that the pain of blooming gets to be forgotten.
Now look in the mirror. Do you see yourself? Look with care. See your eyes, your neck, your lips, your fingers, your hair. See your eyelids, your skin, your smile, even if you are faking it right now. Take a deep breath, as you see your chest moving as you inhale the air. And, now, think about this: you’re just a little bud, in the middle of its blooming process.
It is ugly, painful, and seemingly never-ending. But it will end up soon, and you’ll get to have another perspective about this, once it is over. I know, from what I’ve lived so far, that to grow, you have to feel the pain. It hurts leaving behind things that you feel attached, but are no longer good for you. And when we talk about people, it hurts even worse.
I would want you to know one thing. Pain is temporary, but death is a one-time-only, permanent solution. I know you don’t really want to die, you just want the pain to end, but this way, the pain will only be passed to someone else. Usually to your loved ones.
It hurts us too, you know? Because, the way they know and can, the people who genuinely love you are holding your hand through your pain and hell. We try daily to be there for you, to say or do something that could make you smile, even if it is just a morning text or a song we’ve discovered and we think that you’d like.
And losing you would mean losing a part of our souls and this world’s sparkle, as well. We, the people who love and care about you, will be honest, we hate this dark tango, too. We know you’re harming yourself. We know that you’re fasting for days, to reach the perfect body. We know that you’ve been crying yourself to sleep over the same thing for weeks. We know, we care, we see you and we try to support you the ways we know best, as we talk about our hardships when you’re not there, to protect you, as we want to be strong for you, even if, at times, we struggle as well.
But this happens only because we also trust you that you’ll become that person you were dreaming about when we were 10 and life looked easy and pretty and fun. Look again at yourself, and you’ll see how much of that road you’ve already walked, just look!
And that’s not even the end of it. Yes, the temptation of giving up is greater than whatever we might tell you, sometimes, but don’t. Please, don’t. You don’t have to give up on living. You don’t have to give up on hope, on loving, on expecting, on dreaming. You don’t have to give up at yourself. No matter how appealing this would possibly look.
There are so many places you would love, and you didn’t see them yet. So many people out there asking themselves if there’s someone like you even existing on this planet, and you will, one day, get the chance to discover them. The world is such a better place with you in it. With your imperfect, self-doubting, dreamer and hurt self.
Bad times don’t mean a bad life. You are strong enough to face them and capable enough to enjoy the good that is to come, knowing that you are worth it. Just be patient, as life has its own pace, and keep your faith grounded in the stars and the sound of the voices of your loved ones. And don’t be ashamed to tell us how could we help you to be effective, or to ask for professional help. If you feel like it and you’ll tell us, we will help you find the best mental health professionals, in order to see you thriving again.
Maybe you feel like you’re all by yourself, but you’re not. Everyone who has loved you is by your side, trying to help, as we all know that maybe not tomorrow, but the next month, the next year, the person trying to give up on life could be us. And no one deserves to get through all this by itself. We’re always here.
NOTE:IF YOU, OR ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU HAS SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, ENCOURAGE HIM TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. TALK ABOUT THIS WITH YOUR DOCTOR. WITH YOUR LOVED ONES. JUST DON’T HIDE. PLEASE. THERE’S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ON STRUGGLING. SEEK HELP AND ENCOURAGE THE ONES AROUND YOU DO IT AS WELL. YOU MIGHT SAVE A LIFE THIS WAY.