The words that open doors

Photo by Annie Spratt

There are a lot of things going on, as the world as we used to know it fades away and our lives tend to be all over the place. It makes us feel bad about our journey so far, and become self-absorbed, very often in some toxic loops.

In times like these, extremely challenging for our mental well-being, the key to one’s soul is a simple phrase: What do you need right now?

There are six simple words, making a big statement. A common phrase, that doesn’t require you to have years of studying behind you or a specific social status to be successfully used. It requires a simple, yet efficient thing: to have a genuine interest for the other person.

We are forced into change. Changes that were not planned, that were not expected demand to be done. And this means that a lot of people struggle. They struggle with pain, anxiety, high-stress levels, and loss. They lose their jobs, homes, even loved people. It is a generally disturbing time, extended to a global scale. This can’t and won’t be easy to manage, and we can’t expect it to be.

This also means that the struggle can be made easier to go by. It only needs us to be kind. Kind with ourselves and with others around us.  In times of hardship, kindness becomes not a virtue, but a responsibility.

Of course, it takes courage and practice, as we’ve got so, so used to seeing other’s flaws and always have negative inner monologues. But this should change as well, if we want the damage made by a historical challenge to diminish. We can’t help people get back what they’ve lost, we can’t do this for ourselves either, but we can be the ones with kind words.

Today I won’t come and say that this or that should be different, or how to change things about yourselves. Today, instead, I come and tell you to get in the world and be kind.

Kindness has, unfairly and for too long, been mistaken for weakness. It’s not, and has never actually been. It is, somehow, a universal language, the key to any door, regardless of how guarded it would be. Kind people tend, because of their guarded doors, seem as strong too often and for too long. Today, this can do more harm than good, for their own mental health, to begin with.

Do you know those people that help everyone, and seem to have everything together all the time? Those people that walked with you on this path till you got where you are? The people that you keep saying that you’re so grateful to? Talk to them, and ask them that question. Then wait and see. Witness them blush, witness them getting shy, trying to put a reliable façade on, and, eventually, witness them telling you what’s missing from their bigger picture.

Because we all miss something and we all need something, but when you are so used to be the provider, it feels inappropriate to ask for things. Even if you offered support, been there for people when they’ve struggled, you feel like it’s an unnatural thing to do it yourself. Like that’s your job, to support and lift other people. How would you admit that you need, as well, to be lifted and supported? It is, by no means, an easy thing. But it is what one needs to remain able to keep going.

So go out there, and text or call the person that has always been there for you, the one that has already popped in your mind. Ask that person what it feels like it would make her journey easier, better.

The answer will rarely be materialistic. Instead, it will give you the chance to open a new door and see them blooming differently. And this will always be the kind of gift to remember, as our kindness and empathy remain, at the end of the day, signs of our adaptability. So let’s just try to be kinder, so we won’t turn bitter.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

And as well the most exhausting time of the year. Just think about it, about all the gifts, family dinners, friends’ nights, about all the small talk and the preparations needed in order to make a good figure. Yes, it’s Christmas time…again. And this could be pretty tiresome for some of us.

But Christmas, as any other big celebration, could be as much of a festive time if you’ve had a rough period mentally as it is for the others. You just have to set some limits for yourself and for the others.

I tend to call this eating the dessert first, because just like that, it puts me in a good place, mentally speaking. This, outside the kitchen, means that I begin every festive season with the things that I genuinely like doing.

Treasure-hunting for the prettiest gifts I could think of, decorating the house, helping mom with the cooking. These are the dessert when I speak of household chores.

When it comes to people, however, things tend to get complicated, as I know for a fact that there are people that I can’t really avoid. And, as in every story, they tend to be exactly the nosey relatives I’d give anything to get rid of, at least for a while. 

As I cannot, though, this made me sit a bit longer with myself and analyze the whole context. To see what exactly bothers me when it comes to them, and how much I can be in control of that. Surprisingly, I’ve discovered that they don’t bother me as human beings, as I really love them and I can actually enjoy spending time with them, but the problems tend to appear whenever they begin with their old interrogatory.

I’ve also noticed that the greatest amount of discomfort appears when they try to get to my personal life sphere (maybe because, before being a person who struggles with a pretty rough period, I’m also an introvert). For you the no-no domain might be your professional life, or maybe your health. 

It is important, crucial to identify the domain that you’d prefer to avoid talking about, and especially why you don’t want to. This might be helpful to your growth, as knowing more and more about yourself tends to be.

The second and the public part, however, involves finding your formula. The go-to line, always ready to be served in a talk, when they tend to be uncomfortably nosey. It doesn’t have to be offensive in order to be effective, a simple It just wasn’t my year can make wonders, as it offers an answer and signaling them that you’re not comfortable in sharing details. 

If I’d have to say which is the ‘dessert’ part when it comes to holiday visits, I’d say that it involves catching up first with your dearest ones. We all have that cousin, or that high-school friend that we simply adore, but we are awful at synchronizing with. Well, this is the best time to go and pay them a visit first, or make that phone call we always postpone for whenever we’ll have a bit more free time. 

It could also be someone from the past that we dearly miss and with whom we’d love to catch up again. The Christmas gives us the perfect reason to share a kind thought with them.

But, if you need a bit more help than this, here you have a list with my golden tricks for living the Christmas magic while keeping my mental health as good as possible:

• Do something for yourself daily

Yes, holidays tend to be a break in our usual life rhythm. You can adapt easier to this break if you do something you love for the sake of it daily. It could be sitting in bed with a hot mug beside you and a movie, a good bath, whatever helps you. This also helps recharging after every visit that could’ve been exhausting or annoying. Small acts of kindness  still matter.

• Don’t guilt trip

I don’t know how things are in your community, but here Christmas involves a looot of food. Tasty, fat and hypercalorical food, in insane amounts. And every family has that one member that gets upset if they see that you haven’t finished your plate.

If you’re anything like me, you know how guilty  this makes you feel. You get to feel guilty eitherway, even if you give no damn about how much or what are you eating, or if you choose to say no to auntie’s next course. So just choose what’s best for you, instead of trying to fit everywhere and please everybody.

• Remember your good parts

Holidays tend to be rough, and they often make us feel unworthy, as we tend to compare ourselves to others more than in the rest of the year. To diminish that feeling of unworthiness, it could help you if you keep a gratitude diary, to state daily a good part of being you and a thing that you are really, really grateful about. It always helps me keep it real, as I remember constantly who am I and what I did good so far.

Holiday meetings should never put us into a competition with our loved ones.

• Celebrate your own way

As I was stating above, part of the game is keeping it real to yourself. This means that it’s ok if you get all hyped up by the Christmas spirit since   November, but it’s also ok if you don’t feel moved by all the red-glittery-bright-lights thing. It’s ok if you feel like you should lose contact with some people, even if they are related to them, or if you don’t feel like being the life of any party or visit. It is just as good if you choose to live as in any other day of the year, as if you’d choose to go all-in with the festive thing.

You just have to make your own choices, and this is the most important thing to understand. That having a poor mental health, or maybe just an introverted type of personality shouldn’t make you the try-hard person, who tries to fit in anyone else’s but his own standards and ideas. That is fine to celebrate your own way, and is just as fine if you won’t celebrate at all. 

• Ask for help

Yes, it might be the case. It doesn’t sound pretty, but the holidays bring a huge wave of depression and suicidal thoughts. Ask for help if you feel that your best is not enough to keep you safe. It might be your mom, your best friend, a therapist or maybe someone you deeply and genuinely admire. Don’t hesitate, don’t think that you’ll be ruining their holidays, just reach out. It would hurt them way more to know that they won’t see you smiling anymore because you were too afraid that you could ruin the Christmas dinner if you’ll be honest with them. Please, remember that, even if you might not feel like it, the world is a better place because you’re a part of it.

And if you notice changes in a loved person’s behaviour, be brave enough to talk openly to them. You can never know how much of a difference a hug and some kind words can do in someone’s life.

With this being said, let’s enjoy the Christmas holidays our own way, all while we keep caring for our and our loved ones mental health. Merry Christmas, wherever you’d be, and whatever this would mean for you!

Flipping the coin: life between self-care and self-sabotage

As the conversation about mental health gets more personal and spreads wider, another topic makes room into our lives and talks. Self-care. Understood as a set of practices and rituals that help enhancing one’s well-being, self-care is praised, talked about, and made look like something pretty, pink, comfy and glowy.

And, even if, at times, it really is comfy, pretty, glowy and pink, it rather isn’t. Because the first thing about self-care routines that should be understood is that any routine of this kind responds to a state of need. There is no self-care if there is no need for it. And it can be anytime. Self-care ain’t as pretty as social media makes it appear, because there’s more about that particular routine than the cozy surface. There are issues that one tries to manage behind every self-care routine shared. 

And self-care is not always about bubbly baths, cozy sweaters, or hot chocolate and cheesy movies. It also is about anxiety, emotional pain, about hanging on and diminishing the damages. It  is also about uncomfortable but necessary life choices, like learning how to properly manage one’s money, taking that medical exam you keep avoiding, or getting into therapy.

It is  also about long, sleepless nights when you just sit with yourself, and revisit milestones of your life, trying to figure out what went wrong. What could’ve been done better. About admitting that, no matter how dear, some people around us are toxic, and we need to distance ourselves from them.

But, above all of these, self-care starts on the very moment when someone understands that self-sabotage will lead nowhere. Because a lot of the problems which require self-care routines for minimizing their effects, are the consequences of past self-sabotaging acts. And from compulsive shopping, to hanging on the wrong people repeatedly and for too long, everything can, at some point, turn into a self-sabotaging act.

No one thinks about little kind gestures done for themselves in the good days as self-care. But, whenever the bad times hit, the little coffee dates we’re taking ourselves to, the long baths, or any other thing that used to bring us a good vibe and we keep doing even if we feel like drowning, suddenly gets labeled as self-care. Actually, it is just about being persistent, and not giving up on who you are. 

Because self-care and self-sabotage are the faces of the same coin. As mental health is not constant, is something fluctuating, depending on a lot of factors, and not as much that can be under our control as we’d like to be, same is this continuum. 

There is a personal dynamic in every story of self-sabotage, as well as in every routine of self-care. Even if social media tries to say so, not every kind of self-care routine works in every situation, for every individual. As the journey unfolds, the needs to be met change, and there are all kind of needs and days.

There are days when cleaning the house while listening to my favorite gangsta rap tracks is as close as seeing a therapist as one could get. There are days when all I have to do is to cook something both tasty and healthy, while chatting with mom. There are days when I need a long bath, some blues and getting my nails done in order to calm down my anxiety and feel better about myself. There are days when I cry myself to sleep, in order to let the grief and the hurt release themselves. Days when I’d do all of  this at once, or not at all, none of it. 

But there are also days when all I need is sitting with the cats and listening to some blues. Or when all it takes is a good chat with my favorite people and a memes exchange. Or maybe a short shopping session. As well as the days that require me  to make big decisions for what will come next. 

These are all forms of self-care. As well as procrastinating, hanging out with the wrong people, eating your feelings or letting yourself get devoured by anxiety are forms of self-sabotage. Basically any action taken, aware or unaware of it, that has the potential of endangering our well-being, even if we talk about immediate, mid-term or even long-term well-being, counts as self-sabotage.

Of course, life will always be a mix between these two, and this should not scare us. I know, it seems to be easier said than done, but fictional expectations will never lead to real progress. And there’s nothing that did more harm than the idea that the journey to recovery should be smooth, linear and predictable. Neither the recovery journey, our mental health needs, or the self-care routines are. And this is absolutely great, as it was never supposed to, in the first place.

Because they’re so intimately linked to someone’s life history and personality that you’ll never see two of them to be the same. Might seem alike, but that’s only a superficial feeling about a façade. Self-care is, somehow, the bright side of the story, the one that brings us joy as we practice our ritual, and as we tell the others about. The side that tells the others we know in the same kind of situation that good days can still happen, despite of all struggle. 

But there are the self-sabotaging moments the ones who really get to shape us into different persons. The moments that make us take deep breaths, while asking the eternal question: How on earth did this happen, why I’ve got to this point?. Those moments when we feel like quitting. Like taking a nap for the next…few years, until every problem we have will be solved. The moments when, even if we feel like giving up, we keep going. And, especially, the moments of enlightment, when we finally understand what are we doing wrong.

Of course, it ain’t easy to talk about these moments, that would mean the healing is easy. And everyone knows it ain’t at all. Healing is a beautifully dramatic story, with ups, downs, and even stops. How one approaches this, though, is a whole different thing, a thing shaped by their personality and values, while changing the person’s personality, values and beliefs. Getting the courage to actually sit, even with a single other person, and tell the stories of those moments, is a great thing. It is the main sign of the pain starting to fade away. 

At the end of the day, the only thing that should be let to sink in is the fact that self-care is not just a label we mindlessly attach on random practices. 

Self-care is a whole category of small gestures of kindness directed to one’s person, that allow us to function during the tough times. This is why it matters to openly talk about self-care, even to share our favorite self-care routines, and perhaps even their stories, or what they’re good for, and this is also why, when somebody tells us about a thing that it functions as a self-care routine for them, we don’t get to tell them that they don’t. 

Because the only person entitled to label a thing or other as a self-care act, is the person practicing it, with the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly sides of their journey.