Love, our shared battlefield

Lately, I’ve been spending more time than usual thinking about something that has always been very important to me: love. I’ve always thought that a healthy relationship can do more for a person than any personal development workshop it could possibly attend, but what does it even mean a healthy relationship anymore?

And, as always, I have started to apply my oldest method, which involves, as a first step, discovering what a healthy and loving relationship is not. And that’s a seriously long list.

First of all, a healthy relationship is not controlling.

Yes, a good partner will care about you, will ask you about your day, and will want to know about you, but s/he will do it naturally. You won’t feel interrogated or pressed. And, no, Where did you went dressed up like that?, Why are you coming home this late? or Who was calling you earlier? are not signs that your partner cares about you. They are, instead, signs of controlling behavior, and should not be ignored in the first place, or you will witness them escalating slowly but surely, as time flies.

A healthy relationship helps you grow.

And this is so important, I can’t even stress it out enough. If your partner tries to convince you to give up on your dreams or your long-time planned path for us, that’s not gonna work. A relationship where one has to sacrifice its desire for growth and evolution because the other doesn’t want more than s/he already has is a failure from beginning to an end. A good friend of mine gave up on a long time relationship because her partner disapproved of her career plans. I didn’t really understand that immediately, but  I did a few years later when I’ve been put in front of the same choice: do I want that relationship, or I want to accomplish my dreams? I’ve ended up by choosing myself, and I still would, if I would be put in front of that choice again. Because a partner which is, indeed, a good fit, won’t make you make decisions that could throw you into an inner war. For a good partner, your inner peace is just as important as its own, and your evolution is not a threat. If s/he pressures you into giving up on your education or change your career pretexting that it is for the future good of the relationship, run.

A healthy relationship won’t make you feel unworthy.

Yes, being criticized is an important part of human interactions, regardless of their kind. Somehow, you have to pay some extra attention to how your partner’s negative feedback makes you feel. If it makes you feel unworthy, not good enough or a disappointment, if it makes your self-doubt explode, there is a big chance that your relationship is a toxic one.

Toxic relationships are lasting just because one of the partners know how to constantly make the other feel guilty and ashamed.

An unhealthy relationship will always let you feel that all the fault is yours, for whatever rough corners that relationship might have. It is always you to blame, never the partner. And this is where the drama starts, as it teaches you that those are the kind of behaviors that you deserve. Needless to say, that’s one of the most obvious signs that a person has a toxic history to battle.

It won’t happen fast.

Even if this might sound counterintuitive, truth is that most of the toxic relationships have a common trait: they happen all of a sudden. You two get to know each other out of nowhere, online or maybe from some social event, that’s less important, you overshare, tend to be inseparable and, after less than a month, the first I love you is said, too. Does it sound familiar? If yes, then I’m sorry, but you have, also, a toxic past behind.

Love, true, healthy love, is rather built than found. It implies knowing each other, making sure that you share the same core values, and being friends. Yes, friends. Because when the lust is over, that’s when the actual relationship starts. And it can either be a healthy, long-time standing one if the partners took care of also befriending each other in the meantime or a living hell if there was one of those stories where the aggressor and the victim have found each other.

If there’s a truth behind all this, that is the fact that a toxic relationship is extremely hard to escape from. Even if one manages to cut ties with the toxic partner, there will remain something, usually known as the narcissistic wound to be dealt with. This usually involves low self-esteem, depression, fear of creating intimate connections with other people, and, depending on the length of the toxic relationship and the forms of the abuse experienced, might also include symptoms of PTSD. This is why, after getting out of a toxic relationship, some people tend to fall again for a partner with the same behavioral pattern as their former abuser: because, without professional help, one rarely manages to overcome all these issues on its own. And without a complete recovery, the relapse is just a matter of time.

Because, and that is something it took me a long while to see, all our relationships, and our romantic ones especially, are the reflection of one thing: the relationship we have with ourselves.

Only by improving our self-image, by understanding our inner worth and the fact that it is independent of our human interactions, we will learn to put and respect some boundaries without guilt. Of course, our toxic partners play their parts as well, but they wouldn’t get to become our partners in the first place if we weren’t toxic for ourselves. If we would be understanding and supportive when it comes to us just the way we are with our best friends. If we would keep learning and exploring, even with the risk of seeming ridiculous. If we wouldn’t just assume that we have everything figured out already. If we wouldn’t put so much unnecessary pressure on ourselves, on a daily basis.

Because, at the end of the day, any person who will ever meet you will learn how to treat you from yourself. What you allow and what you don’t, what you care about, and what are you only pretending to care about. You will teach them which are your limits, your self-worth and you will show, by the way, you treat and talk about yourself, what you’re expecting and accepting from others. So what if you’d wake up one morning and, while sipping your coffee and listening to your favorite music, would decide to actually act as positive and firmly as you talk on the Internet feed?

And to anyone out there reading this article, if you find yourself in a toxic relationship, please, PLEASE, RUN AWAY! SEEK HELP! Talk to anyone you trust about your problems, and accept any type of help you are offered. It will hurt, but you owe it to yourself to escape. You are worth living a beautiful, fulfilling life, so run as fast as you can of anyone trying to convince you that you’re not. The man that tries to make you live a life dominated by fear, guilt, and shame doesn’t love you. He won’t change. But you have to, so be brave, be bold enough, and leave. You’re gonna thank yourself later for doing so.

Letter to my suicidal friends

If you’re reading this, just know that I’m sorry. I am sorry for having you put in front of such a radical decision. I’m sorry that the world hurt you so bad that it made you believe that there’s no other way. And I hope you’ll read this letter till its very end.

Life is a terrible adventure, indeed. It is such a terrible thing that, at the end of it, we’re all dead already, but living it is no chore. Being alive means a lot more than you’d possibly see right now. It means regular chances to discover new things, little things that could bring you joy. They call them days. It means that you can still hug your loved ones, and send a good thought to those which are no longer among us. It means that you can still do something to end the hurting. Something other than death.

I know it feels like a never-ending spiral, but the truth is it ain’t. The pain won’t last forever. Bad days won’t last forever. No matter how many of them you’ve had till now, keep in mind that they’re temporary. Remember the fact that blooming is always painful to the bud, but the flower is always beautiful. So beautiful, that the pain of blooming gets to be forgotten.

Now look in the mirror. Do you see yourself? Look with care. See your eyes, your neck, your lips, your fingers, your hair. See your eyelids, your skin, your smile, even if you are faking it right now. Take a deep breath, as you see your chest moving as you inhale the air. And, now, think about this: you’re just a little bud, in the middle of its blooming process.

It is ugly, painful, and seemingly never-ending. But it will end up soon, and you’ll get to have another perspective about this, once it is over. I know, from what I’ve lived so far, that to grow, you have to feel the pain. It hurts leaving behind things that you feel attached, but are no longer good for you. And when we talk about people, it hurts even worse.

I would want you to know one thing. Pain is temporary, but death is a one-time-only, permanent solution. I know you don’t really want to die, you just want the pain to end, but this way, the pain will only be passed to someone else. Usually to your loved ones.

It hurts us too, you know? Because, the way they know and can, the people who genuinely love you are holding your hand through your pain and hell. We try daily to be there for you, to say or do something that could make you smile, even if it is just a morning text or a song we’ve discovered and we think that you’d like.

And losing you would mean losing a part of our souls and this world’s sparkle, as well. We, the people who love and care about you, will be honest, we hate this dark tango, too. We know you’re harming yourself. We know that you’re fasting for days, to reach the perfect body. We know that you’ve been crying yourself to sleep over the same thing for weeks. We know, we care, we see you and we try to support you the ways we know best, as we talk about our hardships when you’re not there, to protect you, as we want to be strong for you, even if, at times, we struggle as well.

 But this happens only because we also trust you that you’ll become that person you were dreaming about when we were 10 and life looked easy and pretty and fun. Look again at yourself, and you’ll see how much of that road you’ve already walked, just look!

And that’s not even the end of it. Yes, the temptation of giving up is greater than whatever we might tell you, sometimes, but don’t. Please, don’t. You don’t have to give up on living. You don’t have to give up on hope, on loving, on expecting, on dreaming. You don’t have to give up at yourself. No matter how appealing this would possibly look.

There are so many places you would love, and you didn’t see them yet. So many people out there asking themselves if there’s someone like you even existing on this planet, and you will, one day, get the chance to discover them. The world is such a better place with you in it. With your imperfect, self-doubting, dreamer and hurt self.

Bad times don’t mean a bad life. You are strong enough to face them and capable enough to enjoy the good that is to come, knowing that you are worth it. Just be patient, as life has its own pace, and keep your faith grounded in the stars and the sound of the voices of your loved ones. And don’t be ashamed to tell us how could we help you to be effective, or to ask for professional help. If you feel like it and you’ll tell us, we will help you find the best mental health professionals, in order to see you thriving again.

Maybe you feel like you’re all by yourself, but you’re not. Everyone who has loved you is by your side, trying to help, as we all know that maybe not tomorrow, but the next month, the next year, the person trying to give up on life could be us. And no one deserves to get through all this by itself. We’re always here.

NOTE: IF YOU, OR ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU HAS SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, ENCOURAGE HIM TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. TALK ABOUT THIS WITH YOUR DOCTOR. WITH YOUR LOVED ONES. JUST DON’T HIDE. PLEASE. THERE’S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ON  STRUGGLING. SEEK HELP AND ENCOURAGE THE ONES AROUND YOU DO IT AS WELL. YOU MIGHT SAVE A LIFE THIS WAY.