The forgotten recipe

It’s again that time of the year when the days become shorter, the nights become longer, and the weather becomes colder. It is, once again, the time to sit and look backward, to the good, the great and the terrible things that happened. To be grateful for the lessons, for the good times, and to note down our questions that are still looking for an answer.

So I’m gonna do what I feel like would be my share of gratitude and understanding, and will say a story. This is not meant to be a diary page. It is just a story about which I know it’s relatable for a lot of people, as 2020 came with such an emotional struggle to manage.

I remember a talk I’ve had with a guy in a moment when I was feeling really tired. I knew it’s about the burnout, yet only when he told me You’re being way too hard on yourself, you need a day to do literally nothing. Just to be lazy and stop thinking about all the things you are thinking about daily. And you’ll see how many things you’re actually doing.

That was a revelatory moment for me, the moment when I’ve understood, in the end, that my exhaustion was rooted in my incapacity to relax. It was a hard pill to swallow, the idea that I forgot how to relax. Yet, it’s true. I got all caught up in the craze of showing that I am willing to do things as good as possible even if the possibilities are rather low and…I forgot. I forgot to put myself first, above the Social Media numbers, views, shares, aesthetic or content ideas. And this got right back at me.

I’ve started, in a short time, to feel tired. Really, really tired, and the never-ending to-do-list of the day. I was enjoying less and less what I was doing, and I was always finding flaws in what was already done. That talk was what I needed to hear at the moment, that I’m doing enough things at once, and I gotta loosen up a little. To slow down the rhythm.

And… I tried. I started to post less, to stop worrying that I don’t know what to post that day, or that there is X thing that could’ve been done better. I tried to do things at my own pace, one day at a time. But there is a secret to all these. The mix between a brain so overwhelmed that it refused to cooperate anymore, and my willingness to actually talk about this, to go to people I look up to and tell them I’m tired, I forgot how to take a break from all this, and I need to relearn it, otherwise, I’ll be over and done.

Having external support is a huge deal because no one can do it alone. No one can escape the ropes of their own mind. You can’t shut up that voice telling you day after day that you didn’t do enough by yourself. You can’t escape the guilt trips by yourself. You can’t get rid of the productivity rush by yourself. No one can, no matter how strong their mental is.

The tough part is the journey before that breaking point. The exhaustion, the work, the feeling of not being enough. The internalized voices of all your critics. That ugly carousel you get a free ride into.

Because there is more to toxic cultures than diet culture. The hustle and productivity culture is just as toxic for individuals, as it reinforces the mindset that one has to be 24/7 busy and productive, to stay relevant. You don’t. An individual is not a business. An individual is not a brand either. An individual is a human being, with human needs.

And human beings need breaks. They need periods to stop thinking about what’s done already and what should be done afterward. Denying yourself the time to rest will only harm you. That’s the thing felt by all those promoting hustle culture. Felt, but never gone public about them, only talked in small circles.

I can’t say that now I’m doing things in a totally different way. Or that I am done with the burnout, even if, to some extent, I’ve overcome a lot of struggles. I’ve understood that looking at myself like I’m some kind of content-creating machine is not the way. That my value isn’t the quantity of the things I am doing daily, but their quality. That I am owing to myself to be alright in the long run. But most importantly, I’ve learned that the moment when something I enjoy doing becomes a source of worry, more than a source of joy, it’s time to let loose.

There is still a lot to be thought about and done, but the most important part is becoming aware that whatever you do, you have to find balance, as the smallest things impact your mental health.

To be or not to be…enough

I’ve seen something on Social Media these days, saying that this is not the year to make everything happen, but it is the year to be thankful for everything you’ve done so far. Cute,  but that was the moment when my inner critic started to tell me again how I didn’t do anything big so far, that’s not about me. But that was also one of those moments when I came to realize that progress will never be reached by constant self-bullying.

If I were a dramatic character, I would be a millennial Hamlet, consumed by anxiety and perfectionism, asking myself Am I, or am I not good enough? But I am not, and I come back and ask myself again: Good enough compared to what, exactly? To who?

And, as a restless perfectionist, I have to admit: that’s a great game-changer when it comes to the old matter of being enough. We often tend to tell ourselves that we’re not good enough period. But when it comes to telling what the other term of comparison is, we often put the story on hold. Because we don’t really ask ourselves with who am I comparing myself this time? And being enough is always about comparing yourself with another person or, even worse, with a whole set of social expectations.

This is where the trap actually is. Comparing yourself with somebody else makes you lose focus and perspective. You are not looking at your journey from the inside, as you should, but you look, instead, from above. You look down to your life, and you look down to the side of the other person’s life that you know about, and compare. And, as expected, you are never winning the imaginary race. Because no one can compete with a well-crafted image. And this is what we mostly know about other people’s lives. Well-crafted lives, created for the public eye. Basically, illusions where everything seems doable, and any failure seems easy to overcome. Unlike actual life.

But no one gets to see things like this from the beginning, it would be too easy. We have to compare ourselves to others, see our self-esteem and self-image be affected, and eventually get tired by everything, to see things clearly. Things that happen with age.

This is, however, the bright side, when you compare yourself to other people. The darker side is comparing yourself over and over again with society’s expectations from you. When you keep in mind that you are supposed to have your life together by 30 years, with a family of your own, a good job, a home, and possibly children, as you get closer to that age you tend to keep looking at your life, and then to look at your socially-imposed check-list.

The fact is you’ll never be on the same page with the never-ending list of social expectations, and this happens because every person has their own pace. There is no standard age for things like buying a house, completing your education, starting a family or a business. It’s true, coming usually from one’s dear people, the confrontation with the standards that society is imposing becomes much harder, as it borrows the voice of the ones you love. That’s why it is the darker, more damaging path to the Union of Never Good Enough.

But there’s nothing as damaging as looking at your life from outside in the long run. It makes you unable to be happy for yourself, and this is by far one of the most toxic things one can do. Because you can’t compare yourself over and over again and reach a balance. You can’t keep asking yourself why you’re not good enough and expect your mental health to be on point.

Mental health is, in fact, severely impacted by all the self-criticism and pressure one has to bear while constantly doubting on themselves. There is relief in accepting that your life and your choices have to only be meaningful to you, as you’re the only one able to access the whole image all the time. And there is joy to be found in knowing that whatever you feel like, is a valid and important feeling to be felt.

The reality is that you are and will always be good enough. No matter where you are in your life, no one could’ve done things better than you did. No matter what your inner mean voice says, it is only background noise. And no matter what you think, there’s a big, big difference between self-criticism and perfectionism, and it comes from the fact that critic comes from the inside, while perfectionism is always an outer voice. You are not too late and not too early either, because this is your life, not some social event to attend. And as long as you’re the MVP of your story, there’s no such thing as someone more worthy than you.

So next time when you want to turn into a modern Hamlet, asking yourself if you are good enough or not, remember what it made you feel like the last time, and ask yourself: Would I deliberately make my close friends feel like that? If the answer is no, then go for a walk, some popcorn and a cheesy movie, a bubble bath, or whatever makes you happy. You’re worthy of feeling good feelings about yourself and the life you’re living, so allow yourself as many occasions to do so as you can. And you’ll start to see why you’ve always been good enough.

Why a simp is not a loving man

If you’re anything like me, the Internet slang will, every now and then, make you feel old. It happened recently, with the trending rise of the word simp. As the Urban Dictionary defines it, the simp is a guy that is overly desperate for women, especially if she is a bad person, or has expressed her disinterest in him. Basically a new cool term for an old reality. Not that long ago, these guys were known as “nice guys”, and no one wanted to have much to do with them, mainly because they were not that nice as they wanted to seem like.

But time went by, and the “nice guys” that no one wanted to deal with back in the days found a way to market themselves as desirable partners. I’ve seen these days a post saying Stop calling any decent man a simp! and, even if it was, indeed, real, it was mischievous at the same time. What separates a decent, loving man from a simp? The girl’s kind of interest in what’s the guy having to offer.

If you, as a guy, have fallen for a girl and show it, there are two big scenarios: it’s a mutual thing, so she will flirt with you and show interest as well, or she is not interested and she is just being polite. A man showing appreciation and support, complimenting a girl that is into him is a decent man, regardless of what his pals say. A man acting the same with a girl that has told him already that she’s not interested in him is a simp trying to make his way into her bedroom. Regardless of her telling you “no”. The easiest way to know if you deal with a simp is by paying attention to your emotions.

Guilt is a really important indicator when it comes to human relationships. A man that makes you feel guilty for not liking him back is not a good man for you. I know that clearly, as I have been there myself. Asking a good friend of mine if it’s okay to feel guilty for not liking back a guy that was madly over me, he said No, you’re not, as love is no duty. It is what it is, if it is, and if there is such thing as guilt or the feeling that you should, you definitely should not. I am still thinking about that moment of my life, about how blinded I was by my low self-esteem. About how bad that attempt of giving a dude a chance because he knew to make me feel guilty about rejecting him, I’ve seen things clearer.

A guy can be a decent man, but be a simp to you, as this is a matter of perspective on both sides. On his side, it’s about knowing how to take a clear No for an answer. On her side, it’s about being crystal-clear from the beginning. If you can’t picture yourself in a relationship with that man, tell him. If you see him as a good friend, tell him. He has to know exactly where he stands and make a decision. Might be a tempting thought to fuel his attitude, if you have self-esteem problems or you simply need male validation- a simp will constantly make you compliments, give you more attention than you’re used with and, generally, make things more about you than about him. Will make cute little gestures for you, trying to get under your skin. And that is flattering, not gonna say it isn’t. Feeling wanted, as a young woman, is and always will be a flattering thing, something we want more of, at times. But keep in mind that, when the attraction is not mutual if you fuel this kind of behavior from the dude, you expose yourself to a form of emotional blackmail.

Because any simp is a potentially toxic man, trying to make you feel good, but capable to make you feel bad about yourself as well, at the moment when his patience goes thin and he gets sick of waiting for you to tell him yes, eventually. This is, in fact, the simp issue that girls fail to see and men won’t address: the lack of boundaries and self-respect. It is a matter of self-respect to stop trying once the girl told you no, and it’s a matter of mental healthcare to be able, as a girl, to have strong and clear boundaries. Even when what you receive is all pretty and dipped in glitter, tempting you to give in. Love is not making you guilty and is not sneaky. Self-validation need, instead…